In Which I am Thankful

So we spent Thanksgiving at the BIL’s blaggard boss’s house.  Interesting, to say the least.  I made the most glorious pumpkin pie with a delicious pecan crust and we also brought salad and green bean casserole.

Upon arriving at The House of Doom, we discovered (much to my dismay) that none of the other guests had arrived yet.  Sadly, the Blaggard family was not as welcoming as I like to imagine my family and it was no small amount of awkward when we were all settled with our drinks.  I immediately scrutinized the Blaggard Boss to see if I could discern any signs of blaggardness about him.  I could not.

He appeared to be a nice enough older man, a bit on the rough side, but what does one expect from a man that has worked with animals most of his adult life (I know, I pity him too)?  Mrs. Blaggard was very sweet and quiet, his two daughters, Stick 1 and Stick 2 (much like Thing 1 and Thing 2), were, well, sticks.  Stick 1 had a baby who looked exactly like a doll with goldfish eyes.  I didn’t offer to hold her because I was afraid if I squeezed her too tightly then her eyes would pop right out of her head.  This did not stop me from watching her carefully to see if this really did occur.  It did not.  I think this is a good thing.

Thankfully, M.J. (the sweet girl who goes on walks with us), B.C. (her roommate), and Patrick (her “friend”, “boyfriend”, or “that boy” depending on who she is speaking with) quickly arrived after us bearing much more food.  Food is important on Thanksgiving, naturally.

The house quickly filled up after that with G.F. (G.F. = Grandfather because that is what he reminds me of), and Stick 1′s boyfriend Twig, a rather scary looking chap, actually, and father of Goldfish Eyes.  Yes, filled up, the Blaggard house is a small house.  Mr. Blaggard invited people to start eating, but no one made a move.  I waited until the second time (to be polite) and then jumped up and announced that I was beginning the food line and it was everyone’s own fault if I didn’t leave the choice bits for them.  I am not shy about food, I love it too much to deny my obvious desire and need for it.

I made a perfect plate with the perfect ratios of everything except for gravy.  My modus operandi is to dish up everything and then surround it all with gravy, basically a plate of gravy with islands of food, but the gravy boat was a wee little thing and I felt bad using so much so my mashed potatoes, turkey, and stuffing each received about fifteen drops – this as you know is nowhere near enough gravy to properly consume food.  Alas.

I sat down with my plate of food and began waiting for everyone else to get their food and the prayer to be said as is the custom in my land.  Apparently, I am now among barbarians and the heathen as the two guys behind me in line so aptly pointed out by sitting down and beginning to scarf their food without so much as a glance around them.  Surprised, I still held off until the BIL came in with his food and said, “Uhhh, you should eat your food before it gets cold, Dame.”

At least my food was blessed, albeit silently.  Choke on that, barbarian heathens!

Whilst consuming my food, I watched the people around me.  Patrick, M.J.’s boyfriend, was definitely the most entertaining in a sort of loud way.  He reminded me of a teen boy who is still in that awkward post-pubescent stage and has taken quite the enormous amount of sugar but feels that he has something that he should, nay that he MUST add to the present conversation in a hungry, desperate, “look at me” sort of way.  Quite entertaining, needless to say.  Though, listening to him describe his iphone applications did get a little old very quickly.

The second most entertaining person there was Mr. Blaggard.  He was sitting with his granddaughter (though God help you if you referred to her as his granddaughter, a bit touchy about age, I gathered) and trying to teach her words but obviously more for the sake of everyone else in the room than for his granddaughter’s benefit.

Where was Stick 1 through all of this?  Outside having a smoke with her baby’s daddy Twig.  Yes.  No lie.

By the way, Stick 1, it’s called contraception and from what I hear it’s really cheap.  Know what’s cheaper?  Abstinence.

Dinner moved along quickly with the help of rapid shovelfuls towards the mouth (myself excluded) and then it was time for dessert.  So naturally everyone just sat there and stared at each other.

I was first in line.  Like I said before, I have no qualms about strapping on the feedbag.

The eats were tip-top and there was more conversation but my poor niece was so very tired that she was fussy and I decided to hold her for a bit so that my sister could eat therefore I did not hear much more of what was being said until I handed the niece off and began on the dishes.  M.J. helped with the dishes and Mrs. Blaggard put away the food into containers for everyone to take home with them.  Mrs. Blaggard was extremely nice and so very thankful for our help.

After the dishes were put away, we stood around and talked.  BIL was making dividing up the pies much more difficult than it needed to be and I remarked on this to Mr. Blaggard who was looking on with a bored expression on his face.  He laughed and said that’s what usually happened on when so many people got together.

In all, Mr. Blaggard did not seem like a mean fellow.  He was actually quite nice and witty, so I don’t understand why BIL and he don’t get along.  Though, I did notice that they are quite similar and that might grate on each of them somewhat.  Also, even though the BIL doesn’t mean to be pretentious, he comes across that way sometimes so this probably also contributes to the problem.

Anyway, the entire affair made me quite homesick.  I missed praying over our meal, I missed eating at an actual table, I missed joking around with my family, I missed our cheesy rituals, I missed washing up a dozen dishwasher loads of dishes, and I missed just being with people with whom I am comfortable.  I also am getting very tired of being in a room full of people who are ignoring me.  I’m sorry that you have no room in your pathetic little lives for someone as exciting as myself, but suck it up and be polite!

So this Thanksgiving I am extremely thankful for the Thanksgivings past, for my awesome, amazing family and friends, and for the prayers that my father (who says the best prayers over meals, sometimes I feel that a meal isn’t truly blessed unless The Father says the prayer) says over every Thanksgiving meal.

In Which I Discover Something Awesome

Dear world,

Please try this:

Add 3 tablespoons of rum to any pumpkin pie recipe in place of vanilla extract.

If making fresh whipped cream (which you should) add 2 tablespoons of rum to the whipped cream in place of vanilla extract.

Result: the best pumpkin pie and fresh whipped cream in the world.

Love,

The Dame

In Which I Receive a Wine Recommendation

After my game at Wal-Mart (see previous entry) I decided that it was time to move on to better things, such as purchasing origami paper and wine at the local grocery store chain.  I don’t really understand what it is about large stores here, but their cell phone coverage stinks.  In this store one has to hang around the produce and beer or they lose service faster than you can scream after whacking your finger with a hammer.

One of my dear friends (DF) had called me just as I was parking and I hadn’t spoken to her in quite a while therefore it was not one of those conversations that you can just interrupt to say “Well, I have to grab some origami paper and wine… so let me call you back.”  Not to mention that it is one of those conversations that is more like a monologue with no place to fit the above sentence in edgewise.  Therefore, I chose the produce section and pretended to be interested in mushrooms whilst DF prattled away about school, life, etc.

I’m certain that the following has happened to each and every one of you:  You are standing there thinking of other things and staring into the distance when suddenly, you realize that the distance is staring back at you.  BAM!  Reality hits and you realize that you have been staring at a person for a very long time and now they are aware of it.

This is exactly what happened.  I stared, the distance stared, and then the distance turned into a really hot guy with an avocado in his hand looking at me with a questioning expression on his face.

Flustered, I turned in the opposite direction as nonchalantly as possible and began to examine the heads of lettuce instead.  As DF talked, she lulled me back into a distant stare.  Once again, after a few moments, I became aware of the distance staring back at me, once again the distance abruptly turned into the same really hot guy this time standing in front of the carrots but with the same expression on his face.  This time I think he realized what was happening because he grinned at me as I quickly ended my phone conversation and raced off to the wine aisle.

In the wine aisle, I was searching for the exact brand of Malbec that The Older Sister had bought a few weeks ago when I heard a voice behind me.  I turned to look and there was a heavy-set lady with silvery grey hair who was asking me if I had ever tried a certain pinot grigio that she was holding out to me.  I told her that I had not and she giggled, “This is simply the best wine I have ever had!  And it is so cheap!”  She stared at me, wide-eyed and I am certain that I was mirroring her expression perfectly.

I cleared my throat, “Well, I do like the bottle a lot, it is very pretty.”  ”Isn’t it?”  she giggled again.  ”I tell you!  I go to Lisa’s to get my hair cut and we pull out the wine and then after a while she says ‘are you sure you want your hair cut?’ and I just don’t care at that point!”  She pointed to the bottle’s label, “Pee-not Greeg-oh.  Is that how you say it?”  I smiled, “Well, I think it’s actually said ‘pee-noh gree-gee-oh’ but I’m certain it doesn’t matter.”

She raved about the wine for a few more moments and then handed me a bottle and picked up another bottle for herself.  She pointed down the aisle at two other women looking at wine, “Do you think that they have ever had this wine?”  She asked me.  ”Mmm, probably not.”  I said.  She looked at me with serious eyes, “I should probably tell them about it, right?”  ”Why yes!  I really think that you should!”  I said.  She picked up two more bottles of the wine for her cart and then raced off down the aisle where I heard her say, “Have you ever tried this wine before?”  And then a few moments later, “And look at the very pretty bottle!”

I grinned to myself, placed her wine back on the shelf, picked up the Malbec (which was right next to the wine she recommended) and headed off to find the origami paper.

I couldn’t stop smiling the rest of my time in the store.  What a lady.

In Which I Play a Game

Shopping at Wal-Mart (although I abhor the place) seems to be my thing this month as I found myself back there the other afternoon searching for a flash drive.  First of all, one should understand that I am still learning my way around electronics and computers because I have six brothers who are usually more than happy to handle this sort of thing for me.  However, they do not live in this unpromised land and so I must fend for myself… with my ear plastered to my cell phone and a brother on the other end.

I found the correct aisle and was talking to The Brother about which flash drive I should select when the phone cut out.  Apparently, I only have cell phone service in select parts of Wal-Mart.  I continued to look at the flash drives whilst trying to get The Brother back on the line.  A guy walked up next to me… and began talking, I was obviously on the phone, so he couldn’t be talking to me… right?  But I looked over anyway and he was indeed talking to me.  Something about how the flash drives were all locked and so he couldn’t get any and how the cheap ones were all gone, but that’s okay because he was more into the expensive ones.

I stared at him, nodded, and walked off to find cell phone service.  Four minutes later I found service in the fabric department and tried to return to the flash drive aisle to once again attempt to pick out a flash drive.  The dude was still there and he looked up at me as I again took my place at the flash drives.   He was talking to another girl this time and it looked like they knew each other… and once again my service cut out.

This game went on several more times: each time I entered the aisle, I would make awkward eye contact with the guy who was obviously trying to figure out a way to break the lock on the flash drives so that he could steal them, I attempted to ignore him and the girl (who stared at me the entire time) but also watch them out of the corner of my eye just in case they did actually steal something and talk to The Brother.  Then my cell phone service would cut out and I would walk away to begin the game all over again.

Writing this down I now realize that I sound really creepy.

Weird.

Anyway, I finally gave up on Wal-Mart’s flash drives and bought a much less expensive and better quality one at Best Buy.  Thank you China for making such things available to a commoner such as myself.

In Which I am Monitored in Wal-Mart

Having reached a little over 40,000 miles, my beloved car, L.B., was ready for an oil change.  The bank account being low on fuel, I took her to my least favorite place on earth, Wal-Mart.

I dropped her in the “Tire & Lube” section of the store and wandered around for an hour entertaining myself by looking at the same cheap items over and over.  Finally, having not been paged, I wandered back over to the “Tire & Lube” to see if L.B. was ready.  When I arrived at the counter there was a young man in front of me waiting for the Wal-Mart employee to finish looking up something about his tires for him.  As I walked up, I noted him lounging against the counter as if he and the counter were good friends, great pals actually.

When he noticed me walking towards him (towards the counter actually, but he obviously interpreted it as towards him) he turned his entire body so that he was now lounging on his side, staring at me.

As in all situations like this one, I avoided eye contact.  It really is one of the simplest ways to let a guy know that you are not only unimpressed but also in no way interested.

After several moments of staring, the guy rolled back over on the counter and looked away.  Feeling safe once again, I glanced at him to see what had caught his attention.  He was staring at something over the Wal-Mart employee’s head, so of course, I stared at it too.  It was the monitor for the security camera and it was pointed directly at him and me.  I realized that instead of staring at the real me, he was staring at me on the monitor… the me that was staring at the him on the monitor.  The guy on the monitor grinned at the me on the monitor.

The me on the monitor shot the guy in real life a drop-dead look (which I am quite adept at shooting people) and then began examining all of the exciting designs one could choose to have their copy keys made with.

Finally it was my turn to transact my business and I quickly paid and left before the guy, who was now standing off to one side staring at me, could make a move.

Smooth.  I know.

In Which I Am Caught Staring at High School Boys

Once again finding myself at the aforementioned favorite pizza haunt of my BIL and sister this time joined not only by Izzy one of my dearest and favorite friends (up from Texas for the glorious occasion of my birthday) but also by an alarming number of the BIL’s co-workers and friends… who made no effort whatsoever to introduce themselves to us or allow us to be introduced to them.  I think people here just don’t want new friends.

How lovely of them.

Sitting in a booth with Izzy, I was doing my best to pretend that we were not being ignored by one of the BIL’s coworker who was holding the niece as if she were the most delightful thing on earth (which she is).  There was a sudden movement in the corner of the room adjacent to ours, I glanced up just as one of the guys occupying that booth glanced over at me – with the perfect amount of time between the beginning of my glance and his so that it seemed as though I had been staring at him for quite some time.

Flustered, I looked at Izzy and began a conversation about the pizza we were ordering.

This happened not once, twice, thrice, but FIVE more times.  The situation was quickly becoming more awkward as the guys in the booth obviously had been discussing my glances (or rather “stares” as they must have thought) because now they were grinning in my direction every chance that they got and walking by my table multiple times (during which I ducked my head and rummaged in my purse).

Izzy suddenly leaned over and said, “So I keep making the most awkward eye contact with that corner booth over there.”  I laughed, “Thank you!!  Me too!”  We both laughed and then joked about them being in high school, or worse, college freshman.  Ewww!

Then the time came to put a stop the awkward game.

I ordered a bottle of alcohol.  That’ll show ‘em.

But they left before it arrived.

At least I had alcohol in which to drown my sorrows.

(fear not, I shared the bottle with Izzy so she could drown her sorrows as well)

In Which I Look For a Supplement

I workout and am a female and therefore, I like to take a calcium supplement.  It also assists with keeping away mind numbing cramps before, during, and after certain red days in the month.  When I recently ran out of calcium, I thought nothing of it until those red days arrived and I nearly died several times.  I had asked The Mother to send some my way, however it had slipped her mind and I did not wish to trouble her too much.  Therefore, I set out with my sister to hunt some down.

I know nothing about calcium, so when I reached the supplements aisle at the local co-op, I telephoned The Father (also may be referred to as “The Doctor”) who of course had his phone off because he was in a business meeting.  I scanned the bottles myself, trying to appear intelligent and searching for words that I had picked up from growing up with a doctor and from watching Grey’s Anatomy.

“Can I help you find anything?” I heard somewhere in the background of my head near my sister.  I turned and eyed the young man who had come up and looking at my sister.  She turned and gestured towards me, “My sister is looking for a calcium supplement, are there any that you would recommend?”  He turned and stared at me and then made his way over to park himself exactly six inches from my body.

“How old are you?”  He said, staring deep into my eyes.  I scooted back a bit, “Ummm, twenty-three.”  ”Why do you want to take calcium?”  He said, scooting closer himself.  I stepped back again, “Uhhh, just as a supplement.”  He stepped forward again.  If we kept this up then in another minute’s conversation we would be standing in line at the check-out instead of standing and looking at supplements on an aisle.

“I see,” he said and stared at me some more.  ”If you take too much calcium then it will clog your arteries and your heart will stop.  Also, it is very important for women to take the extra vitamins found in this calcium because they loose all of their vitamins and minerals once a week.”  He gestured towards one of the bottles.  I stared at him, really?  Once a week?  I wondered why (to myself) but I nodded knowingly at him.  ”Ummm uh, I mean, once a month.”  His face turned as red as I figured mine was at this point.  I mean, I was giving this guy my medical history and we were standing so close that I could count his teeth if I wanted to do so.  For the record:  I did not.

“Yeah, so you really need magnesium when you take calcium and the only one that comes in the correct ratio is this one here.”  He gestured towards one of the bottles again.  ”You know, if you ask a doctor about this, he isn’t going to tell you all of this stuff.  I just learned about it through practical experience and so I am telling you.”  I stared at him.  I was definitely going to call The Father after this.  I wished I could see the look on The Father’s face when I told him about all of this.

“I take a really good multivitamin as well, do I really need those other vitamins?”  I asked.  “Oh yes,” he said knowledgeably.  “Your body can always use extra vitamins, especially since you are losing them so often.”

We blinked at each other for a moment or two as I let him get uncomfortable.  It’s always good to feel what the customer is feeling.

“Oh?”  I said and shuffled my feet around.  ”I guess I will get that one.”  I took the bottle down and he smiled, very satisfied with himself, “Yes, that is the best one.  It’s the one that I take.”  I thanked him and walked off before my smile turned into a huge grin and then a loud laugh.

I called The Father and left a message saying, “Dad, some guy told me something today and said that if I asked a doctor then they wouldn’t agree or tell me this thing… so of course I wanted to call you and check on it.  Call me back!  Love you!”

He called me back directly after his meeting.

He told me what the guy told me was mostly crap and that my multivitamin covers almost every thing that I need, I just needed a bit more calcium which I most likely get in my diet anyway.  Haha.